I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
