i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
