dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
she peed on how many people?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
