Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
