We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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