it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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