One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You can't just leave with hair like that
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
