We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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