I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
