I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
