I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
