He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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