foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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