I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
