The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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