You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
