So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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