I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
i just sent this text using only my big toe
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
