there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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