I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
