I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
