im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
