I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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