; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
