dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
