i wish starbucks made bloody marys
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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