i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
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