last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
