i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
