There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
