Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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