Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
