This is not my ceiling
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
