the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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