There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
