I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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