I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Bring me that man meat
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
