I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
