I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
