You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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