I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
