That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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