I have demons in me.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
