it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize
