it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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