I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
