apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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