tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
