Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
