i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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