dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
